| Author | Message | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2520 Registered: 09-2002 |
An American in Africa What I saw was a desiccated kitten held by the neck in a toddler’s hand. He presented it to me as a gift, and in panic I ran to the other side where ocean waves fingered the carpet. I sailed to Morocco, tried to forget the hills of brown heads that giants trod over, three every second, and dusty graves plumed with poverty. "Where are the water trucks?" the people cried. Yesterday a family peeked out from inside the ribs of a dead elephant. A fire crackled; there were slabs of monkey meat and unleavened bread. I drove out of my television set; smoke followed me all the way to Giza and the pyramids. I washed my feet in the Nile, visited marketplaces and allowed myself to get robbed by street urchins. I carry a money belt, put loose change in my wide pockets. (c)2005 | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 3219 Registered: 11-1998 |
A truly enlightening exposition of what it must be like to be a foreigner in a foreign land, Kathryn. My only suggestion would be to italicize this part: Where were the water trucks? so it is clear the people are speaking, not the narrator. And change "were" to "are" for the bang you get from present tense. | ||
| "A-Bear"
Moderator Username: dane Post Number: 1144 Registered: 11-1998 |
Good poem, Karthryn. As a Discovery Channel addict (and anything National Geograhic) this appealed to me, as did the poem in its entirity. "out of my television set; smoke followed me all the way to Giza and the pyramids." I have been to a "Gaza," Kathryn, but never a "Giza." Is that a typo? In Japan we called it the Ginza - In Dubai it was the Gaza. Yes, I have visited many lands and especially in the last few weeks due to a bout with insomnia. I find the commercials for starving children the most offensive though. Flies on the sore lips of emaciated children while some fat guy (or gal) asks for money to feed them. Maybe its just me but I always have this feeling the person asking for your money is going to use it to buy extra fries for his or herself at McDonalds. D | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2113 Registered: 12-2003 |
Kathryn, this piece made me feel like I was watching one of the news channels and in need of changing it with the power of the click. My fav line, "I drove out of the television set". It works well where you placed it.  K | ||
| "A-Bear"
Moderator Username: dane Post Number: 1145 Registered: 11-1998 |
My mistake, K, not a typo at all. The Giza Plateau in Egypt. Duh! Amazing what you can find on the net these days. Obviously, I need to spend more time at the computer and less at the boob tube. *smile* D | ||
| Christopher T George
Advanced Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 1367 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Kathryn This unusual poem works for me as a kind of parable. Interesting imagery and ideas. A thought provoking piece. It should be "peeked out from" not "peaked out from" Also how about making it, "Where / are the water trucks?" the people cried. All my best Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ http://www.actorssceneunseen.com/ripper.asp | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 4168 Registered: 07-2001 |
Kathyrn, you really should watch what you eat. A vg read (corrected), great fun. Would work illustrated. Thanks. Gary Drop in read the new MindFire, 2005's first Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a click or two. | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2522 Registered: 09-2002 |
M, I've never been to Africa, but I wanted to get a sense of what it would be like anyway. I'll ask a moderator to fix the typos for me; thanks. Thanks Dane, glad you found out about the Giza Plateau. For a second I was beginning to doubt myself. I've studied alot about Egypt. You should see that documentary "Super Size Me". Kathy, yes, that's the feeling I was going for. Thanks. Chris, I'm glad you read this since you often write poetry on current affairs or history. I intend to make the changes you suggested. Thankyou. Gary, My doctor says it won't help; what I've got is genetic. Thanks for the kudos. My best to everyone, Kathryn | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 919 Registered: 11-2004 |
Kathryn~ Fascinating poem! So many awesome images! take care~dale | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2430 Registered: 07-2002 |
Kathryn, You offer some very strong images in this piece. I agree with the suggestion already given about setting off the dialogue in italics and shifting to present tense in that one sentence. I didn't quite connect with the ending of stanza one: and in panic I ran to the other side where ocean waves fingered the carpet. I love the final stanza very much. particularly the loose change in wide pockets line. Well done. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2530 Registered: 09-2002 |
Dale, Thankyou. I was pleased with this effort. Lisa, The changes have been made, but instead of italics I used parentheses. As to stanza 1 it's supposed to be surrealistic; a scary image frightens the commentator into visions of famine in Africa. Thanks. My best to you both, Kathryn | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1208 Registered: 12-2003 |
What a powerful read Kathryn! Loved how the images almost sprung from the page.. they give a wonderful movement through the piece. A great read, thank you. lia | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2541 Registered: 09-2002 |
Lia, Thankyou very much. A friend and I were talking about Africa and she said that 30,000 people die there everday, 3 every second and it just seemed incredible to me. Best, Kathryn | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1213 Registered: 12-2003 |
yes, and to me Kathryn. If something happened like this in England, it would be a wasteland in less than a month. I find it difficult to imagine just how many people there are in Africa.. how the population hasn't already been wiped out over the last 20 years. I realise our help maintains their survival. what a huge responsibility and duty that is. lia | ||
| marty
Advanced Member Username: marty Post Number: 566 Registered: 10-2003 |
Kathryn, Stunning piece because of the visuals it presents....what is subtle is the feeling of a humid air, the stench, the desparation and hunger....I love it for the realities it choose to present. Cheers Brethren | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1069 Registered: 11-2003 |
love this one I miss travelling to so many cool place and you did this justice I can't say which parts I liked best, the elephant ribs was so good all of it really enjoyed much laurie | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2546 Registered: 09-2002 |
Lia, It's hard to image the scope of a continent so large and varied. Thanks for coming back. Marty, Thankyou for your kudos. I guess I could say this one really came from the heart. What's going on bothers me. Laurie, I appreciate your comments. I never went to Africa so it's rather impressionistic; I have a vivid imagination for certain things. Thankyou. My best to each of you, Kathryn | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1071 Registered: 11-2003 |
had to go back to this one again I thought of it this a.m. driving to work Laurie | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2553 Registered: 09-2002 |
Thankyou Laurie, that's a high compliment. Best, Kathryn |
